Eating Paste
by Katavi
Summary: Because parodies are cool, but you can only mock Mary Sues and crossovers so many times. I mock one of my personal pet peeves every chapter. My first fic, too. R&R U GAIZ.
1. Bird Tears

AN: Well lookie here, I'm writing a fanfic. It's a parody, too. I've been planning on writing some dramatic mature story, and, while I'd like to have some melodramatic reason for not doing so, I'm just a procrastinator. So instead, I've decided to bitch and moan about things I don't like, but in fanfic form. That way, people will actually read it. And they might be entertained, too! Cool! I'm also writing a parody because I can make characters as OOC as I want and I can just say it was for "the lulz." Plus a lot of people read parodies, and I like asspats.

**Eating Paste; Chapter 1:**

"**Bird Tears"**

**or**

"**Demons Can't Cut Themselves With Knives, Stupid"**

Raven decided that she was going to cut herself.

Maybe it was because she was in love with someone who didn't love her, because they already had a girlfriend or didn't have a penis or were trapped in a book. Maybe it was because she couldn't feel emotion, and somehow cutting helped that. Maybe it was because she was emo, and apparently emos always cut.

In any case, she decided she was going to cut herself because I said so, and I'm the author.

Now, Raven had never cut herself, and was unsure of what to do. What knife should she use? She decided upon a rather large steak knife that was in the silverware drawer.

Next, she didn't know where to cut herself. She had read stories where people cut themselves in the bathroom, but there was only one (yes, one) bathroom in the Tower, and it might be obvious when it was covered in her blood. So Raven decided to cut in her room. But she got some towels (red ones, of course) to clean up the blood with.

Wrist cuts bled a lot, right?

Raven set the towels down on the floor and sat down beside them.

She rolled up her sleeves so that they wouldn't get stained with her blood, because that would probably be suspicious.

Holding the knife awkwardly over her pale, pallid inner arm, Raven was unsure of what to do.

So was she supposed to just… Cut herself? Just like that?

Raven eyed the knife before sinking it into her wrist, slicing it back and forth.

She gritted her teeth. People… People _enjoyed_ this?

After biting her tongue to avoid crying out in pain, Raven removed the knife from her arm and admired her handiwork.

…Only to watch as the gaping skin healed itself back over perfectly, not showing a single trace of a scar.

Raven pouted heavily, then stuck the knife back in her arm. She pulled it out, and the cut sealed itself back over again.

This cycle continued for a couple of minutes until Raven stood up.

"Screw this." she said, going to get some of Robin's birdarangs.

She was going to cut herself before the day was over, even if it killed her.

AN: LOL LEAVE A REVIEW YOU GAIZ. But seriously, if you liked it, let me know. There's more where that came from~


	2. Moonlight Meeting

AN: Yay, chapter 2! I got like 38 views of chapter 1, and two reviews. So a special thanks to **Raven2k8 **and** Pterodactyl**, who reviewed. Also to **Lady Infamous**, who favorited. If you're reading this, then go ahead and leave a review, even if it's just "I liked it" or "it needs work" or whatever. Let me know that you read the whole thing! Also, a shout-out to **Frozen-Vegetable**, who gave me the idea to this story. So here we go~!

**Eating Paste; Chapter 2:**

"**Moonlight Meeting"**

**or**

"**Slade Is Not A Pedophile"**

It was midnight.

Slade always operated by night, and midnight was his busiest hour. He was currently working on a new device to take down his mortal enemies, the Teen Titans. It was a new weapon, one that could cause schizophrenia with a beam of light. Slade still needed to work on it, but it was coming along nicely.

He had been working for a few hours when a pang of hunger interrupted his concentration.

Time to order pizza.

After dialing Jump City Pizza and ordering a large double pepperoni, Slade sat back down to work on his project.

And yes, he ordered the pizza to be delivered to his secret lair.

Duh.

Just as Slade was getting back on track with his project, the doorbell rang.

_Well, either the pizza boy has gotten a lot faster,_ Slade thought to himself, _or someone has found my secret lair!_

But he jumped up and skipped to the door anyway.

…Only to open it and find Robin standing outside.

_Shit._

Slade jumped back, found unprepared for the first time in a very long time. He immediately got into a fighting stance, ready to drive the Boy Wonder back. But for some reason, Robin wasn't attacking.

"Oh Slade," Robin sighed, putting the back of his hand to his forehead and leaning back slightly. "I cannot hold back my feelings for you any longer! Every time I gaze upon your glistening mask, my heart swells! I snuck away from my friends in order to see you! Take me, Slade!"

"What the fuck?" Slade asked.

Robin tossed himself into Slade's arms, only to be shoved away.

"Noooooo Slade-"

"GET OUT."

Slade slammed the door shut, leaving a bawling Robin outside. He then went back to his work on his device, pouting the whole way.

The doorbell rang again.

"FFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-" Slade screeched, stomping back to the door. "WHAT?" he shouted, drop-kicking the door open.

It was… What the hell, who was it? Some chick dressed as Robin? It took Slade a second to realize that it was Raven who was dressed as Robin.

"Oh Slade," Raven sighed, tilting her head and putting her hands over her heart. "Ever since you dropped me off the top of a building, I've had eyes only for you! Even though our relationship will be illegal and will only add to your list of reasons why you are wanted by the police, I am willing to overlook it! We will be like Romeo and Juliet! Scarlet and Rhett! Bella and Edward! Take me, Slade!"

"What the fuck?" Slade asked.

Slade found himself with an armful of half-demon girl, and promptly shoved her out the door. He slammed the door shut for a second time.

Literally seconds later, the doorbell rang a third time. Slade carefully peeked outside, to find not one, but two more boys dressed as Robin. One was a tall black boy, and the other was short and green.

"Oh Slade," the two boys sighed, clasping each other. "We-"

"GET AWAY FROM ME." Slade shouted at them, slamming the door closed. "…The fuck…"

What _was_ this? Some kind of new tactic? No, no it wasn't going to work on him. Slade stalked back to his work, not looking back at the door.

He had just barely began to continue screwing something into the device when the doorbell rang again.

"It's… it's probably just the pizza." Slade told himself, going to answer the door.

He found an orange-skinned girl dressed like Robin outside his door.

"Oh, enemy Slade," she sighed.

Since Slade was a cartoon character, there was steam coming out of his ears.

"GET. THE FUCK. AWAY. FROM. ME." He hissed, leaning in close to Starfire.

Then he slammed the door again.

He stomped back to the table where his weapon was sitting.

He took a few deep breaths.

He picked up the device.

The doorbell rang.

Slade opened the door so hard that it flew off its hinges.

"WHAT?" he roared.

"Your pizza is here, Mr. Slade." Said the cheery delivery boy.

"Oh."

"Also, there are five dead teenagers on your lawn. It looks like they stabbed themselves to death."

"I see."

"So the pizza will be $6.95."

"Damn."

AN: R&R YOU GAIZ~


	3. Afterlife

AN: And here we are with chapter 3! I should get into a schedule for this, shouldn't I? Thanks to all the people who reviewed last chapter. I'm sorry I didn't respond, but I a huge procrastinator, and I never got around to it. Also, I got my first hate mail! Awesome! I'd like to give a special thanks to **Pterodactyl**, who helped me come up with the idea for this chapter. Now, here's chapter 3.

**Eating Paste; Chapter 3:**

"**Afterlife"**

**or**

"**No One Stays Dead In Fanfiction"**

It was a normal sort of day, with Starfire cooking up some alien shit, Raven reading some boring shit, and Cyborg and Beast Boy playing some video game shit.

"Hey, aren't we missing someone?" asked Beast Boy.

"Yo dawg, what do ya mean?" replied Cyborg.

"Wasn't there another guy on our team?" asked Beat Boy again.

"Remember I don't this anyone like, friend." Starfire said.

"No, he had, like, spiky hair or something. And his name was a bird, I think." Said Beast Boy.

"Yo dawg, you mean Raven?" asked Cyborg.

"No, it was like guy-Raven," Beast Boy said, but then SUDDENLY, something came hurdling through the window and smacked Beast Boy right in the schnozz! He fell over ever-so-dramatically, with plenty of screaming and crying and noises of that sort.

The thing had been a brick. But something was tied to this brick…

Another brick!

"Yo dawg, what?" cried Cyborg.

But everyone ignored him and was crying because Beast Boy _**DIED**_.

Forever.

The next day, bleary eyed from crying, the Titans, minus Guy-Raven, staggered into the common room to find Beast Boy raiding the fridge. They gaped in wonder.

"Sup." He said.

"Sup." They said.

And Beast Boy made more of his tofu shit.

"Hey wait a second, why wasn't I in this chapter?" cried Guy-Raven. "And my name's Robin!"

Then, suddenly, the birds began to sing, a chorus of angels played their harps, and the clouds opened up to reveal Katavi.

"Shut up, bitch." Katavi yelled, bitch-slapping Guy-Raven into the Marvel universe.

AN: Sup dawg, I heard you like parodies so I wrote this too fast with my brother so you can send me hate mail!

You know, I was planning on writing this epic chapter with like every single character dying a couple of times each, but it's midnight here and I got writers block from my original story so you get this.

Oh lol I just realized Raven is like barely in this chapter. Even less than Guy-Raven! But I'm in it, so it's cool.


End file.
